MONTHLY PRACTICE

A practice is an activity that you do again and again with standards in mind and correcting to those standards. The purpose of a practice is to improve a skill or quality. (James Flaherty in Coaching: Evoking Excellence in Others) A practice can help you learn something about yourself, your actions, and your effectiveness.

For example, as I prepare for ski season, I practice getting my body in the proper alignment for skiing. I practice by standing on a hill with the awareness of knowing more about what I am doing---how my hips are positioned, where my shoulders point, where my weight is on my feet. I do this repeatedly to learn more about how my body is aligned. What is it like when I feel more aligned? Less aligned? The practice helps me make any adjustments and fine-tune how I can align my body even better for smoother, efficient, balanced skiing.

Practices can be used in any area of life, from sports to conversations to relationships to personal and professional development. Each month we’ll feature a new practice. I invite you to experiment with a practice and see what difference it can make in your life. If you would like to share a practice that works for you or your response to this practice, please contact Virginia (click here).

We Have Our Reasons: Justifying an Unbalanced Life

Chris, a forty-something high-achiever, was a partner in a mid-size law firm. She worked more than 70 hours a week, with a caseload that lived in high piles of paper around her office. She received more email messages than she could respond to in a day. She served on several non-profit boards in the community. She worked evenings and weekends, while saying she did not have "enough time" with her husband. She'd lost touch with her friends and missed celebrations of birthdays and special occasions. While she used to work out regularly, her exercise consisted of an occasional walk around the park on Sunday evening before another week of over-drive. She could not remember when she had time to take ceramics courses or cook a gourmet meal-both passions she had enjoyed years ago.

Chris had many reasons for continuing a hyper-busy life of imbalance. She told herself and others that she loved being an attorney. She told herself that she was very good at negotiating complex real estate deals, skills she honed over twenty years. She told herself that people in the firm and her clients counted on her and that she was the only one who could do what she did. If she didn't do it, who would? She told herself this way of working and living was temporary, believing that someday, somehow it would all get better.

When a heart arrhythmia appeared, Chris named this a great wake-up call and set out to re-evaluate her life. She realized that a full plate of activity and constant stimulation helped her to feel powerful, productive and important. At the same time, she could see that she was feeling out of control, overwhelmed and ineffective. She saw how she compromised her health, relationships, effectiveness and sense of well being. When she imagined not having plenty of current and future projects, she felt empty and fearful. When she caught on to her modus operandi, she could see that her value as a person did not depend on how much she had to do. She began to pay attention to what she said "yes" to. She re-evaluated how she spent her time and what she was committed to. She let go of the need to have a daunting backlog, an over-committed schedule and the sole resource for all the people who counted on her.

As Chris began a new approach to work, her backlog of cases reduced by almost 25% within a month's time. She met deadlines and responded to clients in a timely manner. By continuing with these new actions, she was able to keep current with her caseload, get home a couple nights a week in time to have dinner with her husband, and enjoy more time with friends. She finished projects at home like organizing the garage and planning a bathroom renovation. She enrolled in a weekend ceramics class.

While our sense of balance fluctuates, it seems that being out of balance has become the norm in our 24/7 world. When we question it, we come up with our justifications for perpetuating a way of life that falls short of our expectations. Along with each justification, we have an "active narrative" that is a story that we put action to over and over again. This perpetuates our sense of overwhelm and limits our possibilities. As we examine our justifications and active narratives, we find that substituting activity and stimulation for meaning does not bring us closer to a meaningful and balanced life.

Do you see bits and pieces of yourself in Chris's story? If so, which of the following reasons do you use to sustain an unbalanced legal lifestyle?

1. "I like it"
   
   This justification says, "Hey---I enjoy what I'm doing." The active narrative is: "I like to do these things, therefore, I must do them." We can spend so much time on what we "like" that we don't fulfill other commitments to others and ourselves. As a result, our effectiveness declines, we lose contact with friends and family and we don't understand the deeper meaning of life.



2. "I am good at it"
   
   This justification locks us into taking actions based on our competency such as research, negotiation, or a specific area of the law. It denies the part in us that is curious, creative, enjoys the new, and wants to experiment. The active narrative is: "I have the education and years of experience that makes me great at this work, therefore, I must do it."



3. "People count on me"
   
   This justification is prevalent in those of us who are socially oriented and who base our importance on being seen in a positive light by others. We find ourselves on many committees, advisory boards and volunteer activities. We take on many social obligations that we wouldn't dare miss. The active narrative is: "People need me, therefore, I have to do these things to help them." We complain about working or doing too much while being proud of it.



4. "It's just for now"
   
   This justification keeps us stuck. The active narrative is: "I know I'm working like crazy, but it's just for now." We tell ourselves that it is only temporary. The "temporary" situation can last for months, years, or a lifetime. We postpone happiness, relaxation and intimacy until our next vacation or retirement. We put life on the back burner so long that we may forget that something is simmering-our life. This thinking expands in a way that years can go by while we go through each day on automatic pilot and our vitality wanes.

We are socialized to think that working even harder and getting even more efficient will solve our dilemma. In fact, this "work harder" strategy usually backfires and makes the situation worse. Taking on more projects because they are interesting or volunteering for another committee or working longer hours does not result in more balance. It intensifies stress and dissatisfaction.

The way out of this dilemma requires a radical new path. The way out is to understand your justifications, active narratives and actions by asking some potent questions, observing your life, gathering evidence and taking new actions. It is radical because it does not utilize the "hard work" mentality. It does not ask you to "do more." Rather, it requires action that stems from reflective action.

Take this on as an experiment for one week. While there are no quick fixes and change takes time, here's a way to begin to bring more balance to your work and life.

How do you keep creating this busy, overwhelming, unsatisfying life? What reasons do you give for this unbalanced life? What can you give up? What can you let go? Where do you find fulfillment? What activities did you used to find fun and satisfying? A good way to track this is to write for five minutes on each question without stopping.

Use your legal skills to gather evidence. Be a private investigator in your own life. Record every activity you do over the course of a week and how you felt while you were doing it. What triggered this activity? What were the payoffs? What were the compromises? What did you avoid by doing this activity? It is important that you do not make any changes during the week you are gathering evidence. When you read over your list, you will be able to see the evidence more clearly and allow you to design a new lifestyle.

At the end of the week, decide what action you will take based on this your observations. You may choose to say "no" to some requests, eliminate some meetings, change your morning routine or take up something that you used to enjoy doing.

If the experiment arouses your curiosity, you can begin to add the new actions into your day to day routine. You can start to let go of activities that no longer work. This will most likely involve changes in how you schedule your time, how you organize technology, and how you interact with others. To stay on track and fully implement the new ways, you can work with a colleague, friend or executive coach. This level of support will strengthen your commitment to living in ways that are not only balanced, but bring meaning to your work and life.

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